Ted Nugent Sweats Nervously as Republicans Continue to Post #SaveTheChildren
Content warning: references to paedophilia, grooming, statutory rape.
Please note that this article is satire. The jokes made are not made in good taste, and do not reflect personal opinions regarding sexual abuse.
Ted Nugent is a musician turned political figure and a close personal friend of United States President Donald Trump. In the 1980s, Nugent first succeeded first as a member of the Amboy Dukes, then as a solo musician, and eventually in his proud traditional of using his celebrity status to coerce teenagers into having sex with him while he was already well into his thirties. Nugent has always been known for such hits that he allegedly co-wrote and stole credit for “Hey Baby”, and “Cat Scratch Fever‘’, as well as the hit “Jailbait”, which absolutely no one else would ever want to take credit for:
“Well, I don’t care if you’re just thirteen
You look too good to be true
I just know that you’re probably clean
There’s one little think I got do to you
Jailbait you look so good to me
Jailbait won’t you set me free
Jailbait you look fine, fine, fine
And I know I’ve got to have you in a matter of time”
A pioneer of hard-driven country rock music, Nugent is famous for blending Southern vibes with legendary guitar shredding in his debut solo album, and for blending hebephilia with pseudo-incest in that time that he adopted a teenager just to have sex with her. Few musicians have had as much influence on both American heavy metal and the plots of European films that feature complicated sexual undertones between family members.
As well as a string of hard rock hits in the 80s, Nugent has become a modern icon for thousands of conservatives for his bold stances on issues such as gun rights, government overreach, and ‘if the child consents’ whataboutism, also known as kid-diddling.
“Nugent has nothing to worry about,” says Republican Nominee to Congress and transparent racist Marjorie Taylore-Greene. “QAnon followers are only concerned about celebrities who are secretly paedophiles, as opposed to Ted Nugent, who’s openly one.”
“My fans have always been cool with the whole teen-touching so long as I bitched about the Second Amendment enough. Hell, they don’t even care that Donny and I are both draft dodgers. People are so hard on Donny for the bone spurs thing, they often forget that I intentionally shit myself to avoid going to Vietnam,” Nugent reminisced.
“I’m a Republican because I want to make America great again. And to me, America was greatest at a time that you could be a chart-topping rock star while indulging in the time-honored traditions of singing songs about fucking 13-year-olds to own the libs. That’s freedom, baby.”
“But now, all of sudden some Republicans are anti-paedophile? I know they still love me but I can’t help but feel a little bit nervous that they’re gonna say something. It’s been weeks since they’ve been posting #Savethechildren, and no one’s said anything about it though, so I guess I’m in the clear,” Nugent shrugged.
We reached out to QAnon followers at a recent rally for President Trump and asked them about Nugent’s controversial lyrics like “She’s young, she’s tender. Won’t you please surrender” and about his close association with the president. One fan had this to say:
“Ted Nugent makes music?” he asked. “Huh. I just liked him because of his career as an political commentator, I mean, he says what we’re all thinking!”
When asked what he meant by “What we’re all thinking”, the fan declined to go in to detail, but did use the word “Detroit” a lot.